I don’t want to do any bucket list things with you. Just do them with the people you hang out with now.
Everything that has happened this summer leads only to one conclusion:
"Out here, you are on your own."
I spent the summer here thinking I’d be surrounded by my friends constantly, and that every day would be fun. That it would be school without the school work. But it hasn’t been. It’s almost as though I haven’t been here at all this summer, what with how my friends hang out with each other, excluding me.
I also just found out that my best friend and roommate will not be returning next year, which has me extra twisted up and in a bind. She was my one constant. If everyone else was letting me down, I could always go home to her and talk about things. But now I won’t have that. I took her for granted so much last year… now that she’s leaving… I feel really lost. I remember, during this summer before I knew she wasn’t coming back, I remember thinking, “I can’t wait until she gets here. I won’t be alone anymore.”
Well, I am now.
My flaky “best friends” here have been terrible. I’ve been sick for the past two days and no one’s come to see me. The whole summer no one’s gone out of their way to plan anything with me.
The most reliable people I know are back home in Jersey.
I have no one now.
I have no one.
It feels like November.
I’m sick, and alone. My calves are killing me and I’ve been limping all over the place. Everywhere feels too cold even though it’s still summer.
As I sit here, licking my chapped lips, I have to laugh a bit. Because it feels like November. That was the month that you became my everyday, my everything, for a very long time. That time when I was feeling like this, I could just talk to you as I wished.
I don’t know how you feel anymore, or if it’s okay to talk to you. But I want to. I really want to. Because everything I am at the moment is… well, I’m the me that needed you and wanted you more badly than anything.
I don’t know if I should walk back into your life or wait for you to return to mine. I might’ve ruined things completely by backing off like I did during the school year.
I don’t know what to do. But I miss you - your warmth, your smile.
Maybe those things will be different about you when we meet again. Maybe that’ll help me move on.
It’s been 9 months since I fell for you. That’s the longest I’ve ever held onto feelings this strong. And the funny thing is, you have no. Clue. At all. And likely never will.
Reblogged this before I even heard the song… and then it was suddenly significant in my life. And after scrolling back.. foreshadowing. That is all.
the sad thing is, these days, i’m only really happy when i’m drunk.
and even then - i miss my person even more when i’m drunk. eff.
stop walking back in every time i let you go. it’s just not fair.
So yeah. The unbelievably passionate and agonizing intensity of what I’ve been feeling, love wise, has definitely died down. The root of the feelings is still constantly there though.
…it’s that brick you just carry around in your heart - that weight that you can’t shake off, no matter what you do. It’s annoying, but, it’s kind of inescapable at the moment, I’ve realized. So the best thing to do is to work towards accepting it.